Life in the Rainbows

How much of life do we miss 

by waiting to see the Rainbow 

before thanking God for the rain.          

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

This has been one of my favorite quotes lately.  I have done a massive amount of thunderstorm dancing and rainbow watching over the last six months.  As I ventured into the world of dating after divorce, I had no idea what was in store for me.  It has been a lot of good and a lot of bad.  I have learned things about myself that I didn't know I needed to learn, or that I didn't know really existed.  I think the biggest and hardest lesson that I have learned over all has been my self worth.  I know my value, I understand what I bring and offer to the world, but I never really embraced it.  I didn't fully accept all my parts, and the wonderment and beauty that they are together.  I knew it. I was told it. And in the dark moments I hoped for it.
As I moved through the dating scene and dating men outside my 'norm', I got to fully experience some heart damaging, soul crushing, self doubt.  In all honesty, which is a hard thing for me to admit, I got to a very dark place, full of doubt and fear.  I thought about blowing my entire world apart.  I thought of throwing it all away because I wanted the voices in my head to be my own.  I didn't realized until the storm began to clear and the raging inside of me quieted down, that the voice I needed most to have and to hear was that of my Father in Heaven.  He was there!  In the people that love me, the quiet moments that I just sat in silence of prayer and quieted the violence inside my head, the beauty of my surroundings, and the messages delivered by his servants.  I was told by someone near and dear to me, "I wish you could see yourself the way I do, because you are beautiful, inside and out."  It was that simple phrase, that simple message that opened my eyes, that brought lightness to the dark, that gave me a glimpse of all that I was willing to throw away.
After that conversation with that dear person, I had a meeting with the missionaries to let them practice their lessons.  And in that lesson, I was reminded of the simplicity of Gods plan, of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and of the Atonement.  I grew up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and those were lessons I've heard over and over throughout my life.  But this time is was different, this time it was a direct message from God, reminding me of my worth, AND I finally believed it.  I finally took that love and that message into my heart and believed it.  This is my conversion, my conversion to myself and seeking the best path for me to be the best version of myself.  I'd like to say that things have gone smoothly since then, but the reality is, that haven't and the bigger reality is they never will.  But that is okay.  I'm okay to put myself out there and fight the battles, to feel the heart ache, to sometimes fail, because I know that what I gain from those experiences are greater than the failure.  I will always get up and dust myself off, and ask, "What is the lesson here?"
I am thankful for every person that has come and gone from my life.  For every question asked and boundary pushed.  For the small and large reminders that I am a woman of worth.  I am grateful for the people that I surround myself with, that recognized and remind me of that worth.  That listen when I have yet another moment of 'What were you thinking?", and laugh with me, keep me grounded, and build me up.  So far it has been a year of tremendous growth and lessons learned, as well as big falls, and great hurts, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I won't give back all the hurt to avoid that pain, because the lessons have been great.  I am an unconventional person with a non-conformist attitude, and I will walk my path, I will dance to my own beat (after I make the drum, and pick my rhythm). I will carve out my path with blood, sweat, and tears, and I will be made better and stronger for my efforts.  I am a very blessed person.  I am blessed to have the struggle, to know the darkness.  It is a blessing, because without knowing how bad it can get, I would never be able to know that it can be as equally, if not exponentially, better.
If I can give one piece of advice, if I can only share one lesson that I have learned, it would be know and believe your worth.  Remember that you are a child of God, and should be treated as such, especially by you.  Take a moment to sit in peace and thank God for the Thunderstorms, because life in the rainbows is amazing.