The End of the Book
As our life happens, our story is written. Pages are filled out, and chapters are created. We can even break up our lives further into volumes or books. Sometimes we get to choose what is written, sometimes how we live and sometimes survive is written. The last year of my life, the last chapter was not my choice. I did not choose the subject matter. I did not choose the actions of others. But I still lived it, and the repercussions of it will always live in me. The book for this part of my life does not have a happy ending per social tradtion or fairy tale. The end of this book ended when the divorce was finalized between the man I married nearly 14 years ago. March 7th will always be a day of great change in my life.
Now the sadness isn’t as strong as one might imagine for this life changing event. But that is because I had a lot of sadness in the pervious chapters, for more than I should have let be written. I lived so many years in sadness and anger. But now, now I have relief. Relief that this is the end. The end of the struggle, the anger, the abuse, and the connection to a man that had become a stranger. It wasn’t instantaneous, it happened slowly and gradually. I was a boiled frog. I stayed even when I knew it was bad and not healthy, and on the verge of physically abusive. A lot of that was because he is a narcissist and he convinced me that I could not live without him. For him to love me and take care of me. To validate and uplift me. But the reality was, he was sucking the life out of me to feed his own ego and self worth. It’s not to say there weren’t happy moments, but I feel they are tainted now. Tainted by the belief that it was all for show, it was all a lie to propagate his need for control.
I am grateful for parts of it though. I’m grateful that his overwhelming desire to have me be a constant caregiver kept me at home to hone my skills in sewing and other hobbies and personal interests. I got to meet and create some amazing connections and friendships that I will take with me into my next book. I am grateful that he finally broke, and that I finally began to fix myself. Because then he rejected me and let me go. And that I was inspired and open to personal revelation to leave.
It is now the time to start a new book and a new chapter. A book in which I get to control what is written and who the people are. I know that life will still have trials and hardships, but I get to control who writes in my book. I am happy. Happy that I get to make my own choices and walk my own path and not have anyone tell me what I can and cannot do. I have learned many great things and have yet to learn many more great things. I am not longer a survivor, but I Am a Warrior.
Now the sadness isn’t as strong as one might imagine for this life changing event. But that is because I had a lot of sadness in the pervious chapters, for more than I should have let be written. I lived so many years in sadness and anger. But now, now I have relief. Relief that this is the end. The end of the struggle, the anger, the abuse, and the connection to a man that had become a stranger. It wasn’t instantaneous, it happened slowly and gradually. I was a boiled frog. I stayed even when I knew it was bad and not healthy, and on the verge of physically abusive. A lot of that was because he is a narcissist and he convinced me that I could not live without him. For him to love me and take care of me. To validate and uplift me. But the reality was, he was sucking the life out of me to feed his own ego and self worth. It’s not to say there weren’t happy moments, but I feel they are tainted now. Tainted by the belief that it was all for show, it was all a lie to propagate his need for control.
I am grateful for parts of it though. I’m grateful that his overwhelming desire to have me be a constant caregiver kept me at home to hone my skills in sewing and other hobbies and personal interests. I got to meet and create some amazing connections and friendships that I will take with me into my next book. I am grateful that he finally broke, and that I finally began to fix myself. Because then he rejected me and let me go. And that I was inspired and open to personal revelation to leave.
It is now the time to start a new book and a new chapter. A book in which I get to control what is written and who the people are. I know that life will still have trials and hardships, but I get to control who writes in my book. I am happy. Happy that I get to make my own choices and walk my own path and not have anyone tell me what I can and cannot do. I have learned many great things and have yet to learn many more great things. I am not longer a survivor, but I Am a Warrior.
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